My Haunting Question

Its been over a month since I last posted. Two inquiries have brought my mind back here and its taken three days to complete this post. A friend of mine dropped a very probing question into my lap this week:

I was talking to your wife a bit today, and I guess I didn't realize you guys planned on growing your family so quickly. When I think about the growth of my family, I sometimes have trouble making the numbers add up financially. Please let me know if you have a niche (besides raw faith) in preparing for it.

This question may not strike most people as profound, and may even appear flippant. You must first know that both my friend and I are Christians, so this question takes on new meaning for those who claim to live by faith. This question ever so slightly touches on the elusiveness of God's will, the breadth His sovereignty, and difficulty of faith. This question echoes deep into my core, and resonates with a question I've been asking myself since my daughter was born.

What would my life look like, if I really believed what God said?

The question specifically addresses family growth. Leah and I have always wanted a relatively large family. God willing, we're aiming for 5. For the purpose of this examination, lets assume that the desire is God given. Additionally, lets set aside the examination of the American standard of living, and "how much is enough". Both related topics but not at the core of the issue.

There is this tension for Christians between God given goals, and the means and methods in which we pursue them. In terms of family growth, the ever present question of money is of primary concern for most of us. On one extreme, there is something that looks and feels like blind faith. God said it, I'll do it. The other end of the spectrum, you've got the model that waits for all the pieces to fall into place (or God to put them there) before moving forward with God's will. This perspective waits for everything to be in order before taking a step forward.





One argument claims the other has no faith. On the flip side, the other argument says it is pursing responsibility and good stewardship. I ask my self when it comes to family planning, am I obeying in faith, when the means aren't apparent? I also ask if I am being patient, waiting on God's timing? Am I being responsible? Will I be able to adequately provide for my family?

Those are good questions, however I more frequently in recent years have a broader perspective. I'm not convinced that God cares so much about the path we choose in life. We put so much stock in the choices we make. When to have kids. What house or car to drop large portions of our wealth into. Where to move, what to study...

I believe God cares more for his own glory than our comfort, more for our hearts and our growth in Him than the choices we regard as so pivotal in our lives.

I don't believe everyone is called to the same path, I believe that God works in us, glorifying Himself no matter what choices we make. I believe He is so good at what He does, that He uses our holy righteous choices and our sinful acts of selfishness, He brings glory to Himself through those he blesses through orderly planning and preparation, as well as those who take huge steps of faith.

That is all well and good (and I hope true) in theory, my view seems to redeem all choices, at least the ones that are not sins, either omission or commission. Yet, I mentioned being convicted by the question of my friend. I am convicted. I find it hard to know when I am acting in faith or wreckless moving forward with what I want. Other times when I am taking a more prepatory route I question if I am unwilling to walk in faith. In either case, after I have made up my mind, based on conscience at that time, I often quit consulting and seeking God on the matter. I feel like I pursue God's will for His sanction for my choice, and once I have it, my interest in Him fades, and with it my confidence in the "rightness" of my actions.

So I'm haunted by the question:
What would my life look like, if I really believed what God said?

My answer so far..
Hope and Peace, only in fellowship with Christ.